I, Liberal

I, Liberal I’m sure that there could never be A man as virtuous as me. I’ve honed my precious self-esteem In ways no common man could dream! To feed my moral vanity, I preen for all the world to see; I thrust in everybody’s face The noble causes I embrace. And lest there be the slightest doubt That I’m no bitter, clinging lout, The bumper stickers on my Volt Affirm that I’m no right-wing dolt. As these credentials will attest, I am the brightest and the best – And true to my enlightened soul, Utopia shall be my goal! The planet should be mine to run; I know what’s best for everyone. My Nanny Squad will nag and scold, Until the plebes do as they’re told. My Social Justice Ministry Will outlaw inequality – With good intent unwavering, I’ll redistribute everything! I’ll be obscenely generous With subsidy and stimulus; To fund my drunken spending sprees, The fat cats’ profits I will seize! For those who fail, my heart will bleed, But woe to those who dare succeed. I vow to vanquish human greed – To each according to his need! There’ll be no want, there’ll be no war, My Welfare Corps will feed the poor. There’ll be no limit to my grace, When I control the human race! I’ll heal the Earth, I’ll low’r the Seas, My Healthcare Force will smite disease – And all will rightly worship me, The Savior of Humanity!