Tuesday, January 04, 2011

More 100-year-old Scary Stuff---Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Mark Steyn's notes on the Ayatollah's admonition about eating sheep after you've shagged them is one of the best blog-pieces of the new century, but close behind is this masterpiece of how Ezra Klein's disdain for the Constitution as being 'over 100 years old' reminds us of other scary things older than a century:
As a true, strong Progressive, it’s always a great honor for me when a fellow Progressive requests space on my little ole blog to share an important message with us all.

Well, hold onto your hats! Because today on naturalfake we have one of the leading, if not the leading Progressive intellectual of our time!

I refer, of course, to Ezra Klein!

I know! Eeeeeee! This is s-o-o-o-o exciting!

As we all know Ezra put the boot to the rethugs yesterday when he spoke the absolute truth to power that that old rag, the so-called “constitution” of the United States of America, is something nobody understands because it’s “over 100 years old”.

I couldn’t agree more! Just looking at that crazy scrap of paper makes me all dizzy and confused. I find it scary. In fact, I find most old things scary.

Don’t you, Ezra?

Sure do, naturalfake!

Old things are scary. Just like my Paw-paw a couple of hours after finishing the Combination Platter at “El Cabrito”. Zi-i-i-i-i-ing!

But seriously, most things over a hundred years old are just plain incomprehensible and useless and scary.

And probably should be done away with altogether…..cause they’re old.

So, to ring in the New Year, here’s:


10) The “Constitution”

Well, obviously!

I’ve already made short work of that old thing. Done and done. So, let’s move on!

9) Christianity and Judaism

Have you ever read the foundational texts for Christianity in their original form? I mean, of course, the King James thingy?

Or the Torah in it’s original squiggles? Impossible!

All those “thee”s and “thou”s and “thy”s.

I’ll tell you what, I’m going to KFC for some chicken “thy”s. Heigh-o-o-o-oh!

Who’s with me?

Christianity and Judaism, you’re outta here!

8 ) The Theory of Relativity

It’s over a hundred years old and just plain nutso!

E = MC2!?! Are you kidding me?

The only EMC I wanna know about is Eat Mor Chikin at Chick-Fil-A!

Hey! I seem to have a chicken theme going here. So, why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from….

7) Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (and most of all, Bicycles!)

All invented over one hundred years ago and all dangerous as hell!

And that engine stuff, I don’t understand a thing about it. It’s old.

Don’t get me started on bicycles!

I got so many head injuries falling off mine, (even with training wheels!) that it’s a miracle I didn’t suffer permanent brain damage!

Here hoping President Obama’s Green Energy Initiatives eliminate these incomprehensible menaces from our lives!

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and most especially bicycles, you’re outta here!

6) Pasteurization

Heating milk before it’s served to people?

What. The. Fuck! I don’t understand that at all.

This strikes me as some kind of giant conspiracy by Big Diary like fluoride in our water or something.

Frankly, I’m outraged by this. I can tell you for a fact that cow’s milk straight from the teat is perfectly fine.

Not many people know this but as a teen I used to drive out to the country at night, sneak into the cow pastures, and drink milk straight from the cow’s teat. And nothing happened to me.

Fun fact: Cows have only one teat. One teat with an extremely long, extremely large nipple.

And let me tell you, I now have a lot of respect for our dairy farmers. It’s hard work.

I can’t tell you the amount of time I spent sucking and stroking that one large nipple just to get a big mouthful of milk!

Bye-bye, pasteurization.

5) Tea Bags

Over. One. Hundred. Years. Old.

Well, naturally I’d want to get rid of tea baggers! Ha!

Nuff said.

4) Teddy Bears

This, I don’t get at all.

Parents are actually letting their children sleep with these fuzzy germ-laden facsimiles of a carnivorous ursine.

Talk about child abuse!

When I was a child asleep in my Skinner Box, the only companion I needed was Electro-Nanny(TM) who dispensed soy milk, nutri-mush, or electric shocks from her stainless steel teats as appropriate.

Teddy Bears, begone! You’re old and incomprehensible and scary.

And have no nutri-mush extruding from your teats!

3) Radio

This is perhaps the most frightening of all old things. It’s like an over one hundred year old Cthulhu.

I don’t understand how it happens….but sometimes I hear strange voices coming from my radio. Strange, horrible voices that…..that…challenge my thinking!

I find the voice of the demonic Rush Limbaugh most disturbing and frightening of all….the way he challenges me….my thoughts….my beliefs….

The horror…

However, Television is altogether different. It is my mother, sister, lover. Television has pretty pictures that nourish me and tell me what to believe and it agrees with me.

In short-

Radio- Over one hundred years old = BAD
Televison- Less than one hundred years old = GOOD

2) Anesthesia

Now let me get this straight.

These are drugs.

Powerful drugs.

And all they do….is make you go to sleep?!?!


No hanging out with your buddies watching Cartoon Network and laughing like crazy?

No hallucinations of hot dogs fighting? Or…or polish sausages in a rugby scrum?


Well, honestly, I think you have to agree that this is one over one hundred years old idea that’s simply out lived it’s time.

Ta-ta Anesthesia!

And that’s it for my Top Ten List of Stuff That’s Too Old to Understand and probably Should Be Done Away With….Cause They’re- wait! What?

I haven’t…..one, two, three….six….

Fine. Fine.

I get it. I can count.


1) is uh, errr, ummmmmm, Contact Lenses……..yeah…..

I men, I don’t understand how anyone wears these things. They’re over one hundred years old!

They should be called Eye Shredding Shards of Torture Glass.

There, you happy? You happy now? Think I can’t count! Well, you got your top ten now, fuckers!

Happy Fucking New Year!

Fuck you!

Thanks Ezra for that thought provoking article!

And Happy New Year to everyone!

Ezra will continue to delight us all with more JournoLista lucubrations as he reveals next how things that happened during the Cold War are irrelevant now that Global Warming is going to roast us all in our skidmark-stained underwear...!

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